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"Warning: Don't Eat More Than Three!"
Deliciously digestible poems about Mornings, School, Families, Weekends, and other important kid stuff.
Here are a bunch of the poems from my first CD. There were so many on the recording (58 in all) that I couldn't fit all the printed words inside the CD case. So, I've included a lot of them here to read and to listen to.
I haven't been able to include them all, but I will rotate them regularly so you'll be able to read and hear most of them, over time.
If you need the text of a particular poem that isn't here, just e-mail me and I will do my best to send it to you. Or you might find it in one of my books at the library or bookstore.
• The ones that are highlighted in BLUE are available for you to read here.
• The ones that are in RED are ready for you to listen to (as MP3 files).
Most computers have software already installed such as Windows Media Player, iTunes, Real Player or WinAmp. If a poem doesn't play automatically, try clicking one of the links above do get and install the software.
Just click on the poem's title, fasten your seat belt, and hold on to your ears!
Warning! Don't Eat More Than Three!
I Can’t Believe It Happened!
I can’t believe it happened...
I didn’t argue with my parents
or fight with my sister!
I ate all my spinach
and it tasted good!
I made my bed, and cleaned my room
without being asked!
I got all my homework done
a week early!
I helped with chores around the house
even scrubbing the bathroom!
I only watched things on TV that were
appropriate for kids my age!
Lucky for me
I woke up
before I did anything else.
I hope I don’t have a nightmare
like that
again anytime soon.
© 2008 Ted Scheu
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Saving The World With Waffles
I learned Morse Code from Dad this week,
so last night I went out and tried it.
I signaled my flashlight up into the stars,
and somebody out there spied it!
To my surprise, from out in the dark,
came a weak, but definite, blinking.
When I flashed my light, the other flashed back!
Hey, I know what you’re thinking...
I’m totally sure it wasn’t some star,
just twinkling, like in that dumb song.
I really DID talk to some creature out there!
Believe me, I know I’m not wrong.
A kid from some planet called Zippo-Kaput,
in a galaxy far, far away,
Warned me his people were coming to Earth,
to attack, he was sorry to say.
He said they were greenish and twelve feet tall,
with monstrous mouths for munching.
They’d heard we Earthlings (with a little salt)
were especially yummy for crunching.
“When will they be here?” I quickly flashed back,
“I need to go send out a warning!”
“Too late,” he told me, “you haven’t got time.
They’ll be landing at eight in the morning.”
Now I didn’t panic, you’ll be pleased to know,
or try to hide or cry.
I got an idea--knew it might be my last--
but I had to give it a try.
I signaled to Bosmo (he’d told me his name),
that tomorrow, on Saturday,
my Mom cooks the best darn waffles
a creature can put away.
I quickly invited the star fleet to land,
for a super-galactic brunch.
If I fill them up on Mom’s waffles, I figure,
they might not be hungry for lunch.
They’ll be here any minute and
I sure hope I’m right.
Either I’ve saved the world with waffles,
or I’ll be the very first bite!
© 2008 Ted Scheu
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Help Me, Please!
Help me, please,
my knees are jiggling,
all the girls
around are giggling.
Everywhere
my skin is sweating,
and I think
my pants are wetting.
Need to keep
my hands from shaking,
not to mention
stomach quaking.
Eyes are glazey,
heart is pounding,
lips are very
funny sounding.
Throat is drying,
brain is spinning,
I am trying--
but not winning.
This shouldn’t be so hard, and yet,
it always feels the same.
I hate correcting teachers when
they mispronounce my name.
© 2008 Ted Scheu
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My Strange Class
I don’t like him,
he’s too brown.
She’s too bossy,
he’s a clown.
She looks funny,
he can’t walk.
With her accent
she can’t talk.
That boy’s clothes
are really weird.
Hers are old,
all torn and smeared.
He eats stuff
I’d never touch.
I don’t like
her haircut much.
He can’t read right,
she can’t add.
If he stayed home
then I’d be glad.
She’s got very
scary eyes.
He smells bad,
and she tells lies.
He’s too loud,
and she’s too brainy.
He and she are
too complainy.
He’s a wimp
at playground games.
Those girls have
the dumbest names.
I’m the only normal kid
in my entire school.
No one is as quick and kind,
or quite so very cool.
My class is made of losers,
whose strangeness never ends.
Can you believe it?
They don’t even want to be my friends!
© 2008 Ted Scheu
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Art Museum
“Please, don’t touch!
Please, no noise!
Pay attention,
girls and boys!”
“Please don’t yawn!
Please, don’t sit!
Chewing gum
we don’t permit!”
They’ve dragged us on a field trip to
this musty old museum.
We’re lookin’ at some paintings now,
but I don’t wanna see ‘em.
We have to “stay together” and “be quiet”--
that’s “the rule.”
I thought I’d never say this, but
I’d rather be in school.
Wait a second... Holy smokes!
It’s getting better now!
If you could see what I am seeing,
all you’d say is... “WOW!”
Museums are amazing,
as anybody knows.
‘Cause people in some paintings,
(and on a bunch of statues, too)
AREN’T WEARING ANY CLOTHES!
© 2008 Ted Scheu
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I’m Bleeding! I’m Bleeding!
I’m bleeding! I’m bleeding!
I think I’m gonna die.
Right here in math, it’s time for me
to say my last goodbye.
It’s oozing! I’m losing!
My head is starting to spin.
It’s hard, when you’re so young,
to have your world come crashing in.
It’s spurting! I’m hurting!
My eyes are growing dim.
My moments left upon this earth
have moved to none from slim.
It’s pumping! I’m slumping!
I’ll do it with no noise.
You guys can head to my house now
and divvy up my toys.
It’s curtains now, the bucket’s kicked,
I’m off to meet my maker.
My skunk is also up for grabs--
whoever wants her, take her.
There isn’t any hope, I’m sure,
it’s gushing on the floor.
Don’t call the nurse,
I’ve prob’ly only got a minute more.
Whoa! The bell just rang for recess--
kids are heading out the door!
Wait up, you guys,
I’m feeling so much better than before!
I’m gonna make it after all--
my scab is now okay.
And kickball’s really much more fun
than math class any day!
© 2008 Ted Scheu
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FASTER, Mom!
My baseball game is starting, Mom--
this is a disaster!
I know the coach will scream at me.
Can’t we please drive FASTER?
My glove is here beside me, and
my feet have found my shoes.
If we don’t get there FASTER, Mom,
my team is sure to lose!
My favorite hat is on my head,
my bat is in my hand.
Go FASTER, Mom, I’m begging you.
Don’t you understand?
I know you don’t like speeding,
but, PLEASE, let’s take a chance!
Hold everything Mom...we’ve got to go back...
I forgot my pants.
© 2008 Ted Scheu
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Three Words
I heard three words from Dad today
I didn’t expect to hear.
They jumped like jackrabbits out of his mouth,
and raced around my ears.
A look of panic crossed his face
and danced inside his eyes.
I didn’t try to hide from him
my smile of surprise.
I hugged him tight and told him,
“You only said what’s true.
I knew one day I’d hear those words,
and, Dad, ‘I love you’ too!”
© 2008 Ted Scheu
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An Ode (Excuse Me!) to Bubbles
You hide inside a jail of glass,
waiting for freedom and fun.
And when my thirst
is at its worst,
you cheer as the cap’s undone!
Racing, frenzied, to the top--
exploding in my face!
You leap and hop
and zip and pop,
then disappear in space!
I try and catch you if I can,
with gulps all foamy and fizzy.
You tickle and hurt,
and spill on my shirt,
and sometimes make me dizzy.
But, most of all, I love you
after my chorus of slurps...
In a moment, or ten,
you are back up again,
but now, all you bubbles are burps!
© 2008 Ted Scheu
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New Puppy
There’s a puppy at our house,
we got her last week.
She’s chock full of smarts,
and never does leak.
Well, not in the house, at least,
she lets us know,
with a whine, or a yelp, that means
“I gotta go.”
So, we rush out the door,
and cheer when she squats,
then she licks me to tell me
she loves me lots.
Yep, smartest dog ever,
she knows what to do!
“Hey Mom,
what’s this spot on my new rug?
Peeeewwww!”
© 2008 Ted Scheu
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Sleep Tricks
I zoomed around all day
and now I’m ready for my bed.
My body tells me “nighty night,”
but what about my head?
My brain won’t let me go to sleep,
it’s screaming, “Stay Awake!”
My mind is racing down a hill,
and, guess what? There’s no brake.
I’m trying every trick I know
to end this wild ride.
I’ve looked around for sheep to count,
but they all run and hide.
I think I’ve found the answer to
my problem for tonight.
I’ll get to dreamland faster if
I just turn off my light.
It’s working! Now I’m yawning and
the fog is getting deep.
Now if I take my headphones off,
I might just fall asleep!
© 2008 Ted Scheu
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